I don’t want to exists anymore. It’s too hard

I want to just walk around the city alone at night. I don’t want to belong anywhere. Everything is too much. I want to just wander the streets at night by myself and not exist. It truly feels like my life is black and white, and I am floating around and around for no reason. I don’t want to bring down the people around me. I don’t want to make them sad. I just want to be alone I don’t want anyone to hurt because of me. I wish I could just fucking go somewhere where no one exists I hate everything and everyone and don’t want to be here anymore.

I wish I could just disappear into a world that no one knows me and I don’t know anyone. Sometimes I wish I could leave everything behind and just be alone. I don’t want anything to do with anything, I don’t want anyone to know who I am. I just want to disappear and if I had the opportunity I think I would.

What the hell. Sometimes I think to myself what the fuck is going on if i am putting up with someone who acts like a child and is rude to me for no fucking reason when they drink.

I feel like I am a burden to everyone in my life. I don’t know why I am here or who I am. I can’t do the one thing the most important person in my life wants from me. I feel like I’m just forced to keep on going when I feel like I have nothing to give. There’s nothing anyone wants from me, I’m just here floating in a fucking empty void and I just make everyone around me miserable and I just don’t like doing life at all. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know anything at all.

I don’t know what to do. I am so heart broken, to lose the most wonderful thing in my life because of me.

Also I have my first ever therapy session on Tuesday to finally talk to someone about ✨anxiety✨ and I’m finally going to get a better understanding of why the fuck I have it and how to cope with it :))) I hope I learn a lot.

:( how is it that during the day time all I feel is tired and unmotivated.. but when it’s 4am I feel energized and alert:( plz let me go to sleep

I’m feeling so overwhelmed. Nothing really happened either. I just hate that I can’t to people without freaking out. I can’t have a normal conversation where I feel calm. I hate every expression someone makes, I hate having to make conversation. I wish life could just be no talking to others. No one talks. I hate going out to coffee shops, clothing stores, supermarkets, restaurants because I have to talk to the cashier, waitress, door person. I don’t know why it’s too much for me to handle. Saying hi is too much for me. I hate having to interact, I’d rather stay in a freaking cave away from anyone. It sucks because I don’t seem like that kind of person either, so everyone is super nice and sweet to me and makes conversation which I really like, but I hate the conversation part. I hate talking to people that are too energetic, who talk too much. I hate having to laugh at things I don’t find funny. One ingenuine conversation sucks all the life out of me. It drains me so fast. I wish I could go to my own universe where I don’t have to feel this way. I fucking hate talking to other people,

It’s really difficult to know or understand what I’m feeling, it’s always been that way.

Right now I’m feeling very down and there’s no particular reason for that.

I think about how I am as a human. As me. And how badly I want to have personal relationships with people, yet I can’t at the same time. I don’t understand the social anxiety that I live with, I wish I knew why I cannot create bonds with people like I use to.

It makes me cherrish all the relationships (friendships) I’ve had in the past. I appreciate and love everyone that use to be close to me or know me personally. I sometimes wish I could be as confident and happy as I was then. But sometimes I think, I will flourish in my own time. That time is not right now, but I think on the future I will have those meaningful relationships with people again. I definitely have to find myself again, bur right now is not the right time. Slowly I think I can do it. I have to trust that I am not as horrible as I seem. I’ve had some horrible moments as a human being and I’ve let myself down.

I need to learn how to forgive myself so I can grow again. It’s hard to let myself grow when I label myself as a horrible person, I’ve made mistakes and I’m not proud of them. And it’s hard to not let those thoughts control my ability to grow. I need to let myself get back to me. Maybe find me again. And not let social anxiety take control of who I am.